Monday, July 11, 2016

2013 Mouthi Awards Ceremony

The ceremony for the 2013 Mouthi Awards took place in L.A. at the Calabasas Mansion owned by Kris Jenner on December 31st at 8:00 PM, Eastern Standard Time.  

It was hosted by self-proclaimed deity, Kanye West.

At Kanye's demand, only 17 people were invited to the Kardashian home, and of those 17 only 3 were actual nominees (himself included).  The other 2 nominees being Beyonce Knowles and John Legend.  He canceled all planned presenters and decided to host, present and accept all awards himself, unless they were won by the aforementioned nominees allowed to attend.

Here are the highlights:

"Family, friends, loved ones, loyal servants; today I have been blessed in yet another way by being given the honor of hosting the Mouthi Awards.  I guess you could say that the Mouthi's have now been blessed by the holy waters emanating from my mouth.  Today is a good day.  The first award is for Best New Artist, or as I like to refer to it, 'give up now because you'll never be me'."

...and the winner is...

"Them fake ass rappers, TWENTY ONE PILOTS."
"Next, we'll award the best songwriting of the year.  I don't write my songs in the literal sense of actual writing.  I feel my body fill with the holy spirit of higher understanding and otherworldly lyricism and I just become the song.  These lessers need a pad a pen for what I do with my mere being."

"...and the winner is..."

"Jason Isbel?  I didn't even know they still made Country music."

"Next we have the award for Extended Play of the year.  In other words, this is an award for lazy artists who don't want to take the time to actually finish their work but would rather put out incomplete work expecting you to care and even pay for it.  Bulls*it."

"...and the winner is..."

"  Who do I look like, John Travolta.  The guy who doesn't even sing."

"They say that I'm supposed to take commercial breaks or something like that in order to play you samples of the songs nominated for Favorite Song of the Year, but I don't approve of any of the nominees and so I'm not going to do that.  Instead we're going to move right along to the award for Best Collaborative Vocal Performance."

"...and the winner is..."

"Ellie Goulding and some man called Active Child."

"Next award is for people who have to rip off other people's work to get attention.  Posers.  Hang it up now.  You will never be the real thing."

"...and the winner is..."

"The Civil Wars.  More Country music, huh?"

"So next up is the remix.  I should boycott this award since the best remix of the year, Flawless by Beyonce and Nicki Minaj was not even nominated, but after I brought this to Drew's attention and he conceited that it was better than some of the nominees, he still said it wouldn't win and so he opted not to nominate it, which I find absolute bulls*it since it is pretty much the song of the year that doesn't have my name on it.  Blessed ceremony my a**."

"...and the winner is..."

"Ludovico once again, but I don't think he should bother asking for this since it's going to Beyonce.  Write in votes, bitch!"
"I just got a call from Drew saying that if I don't start playing by the rules and honoring the nominees he's going to cancel the broadcast and look for a replacement, and while I don't think anyone should tell me what to do, I'm a couple mill in debt and need this money so, here are some unworthy nominees for Favorite Song of the Year, or as I like to call it, Drew's poor taste."

"Enough of that for now.  More later, I suppose."

"Now we come to the album and song award segment, and since I haven't listened to 98% of the nominated albums and songs, I can't say anything other than none of these are worthy since they obviously weren't worth my time.  In fact, they're so unworthy I don't even care to stay out here to announce the winners.  I'm gonna head backstage and take a nap and play for you the recording of me announcing the winners that I made last night while lying in bed listening to my album." 

"Jason Isbell wins."

"The Civil Wars win."

"Active Child and Ellie Goulding win."

"Blood Orange wins."

"God wins."

"Beyonce wins.  Stay seated, queen, no need to get up.  I kept the award at my place since we both know I should have been nominated and won."

"VV Brown wins."

"VV Brown wins."

"Gin Wigmore wins."

"Arctic Monkeys win."

"Blue October wins."

"Miley Cyrus wins."

"Miley Cyrus wins."

"I'm back now, just in time to play you some more of this awful music nominated for Favorite Song of the Year, but before that I figured I'd say a few words on my win.  You're welcome."

"I'm sorry, is it over yet?  Good.  Time to reward people who think they can sing.  These next ten nominees should find out what auto-tune is, and use it."

"...and the winner is..."

"Gin Wigmore."

"F*cking Ryan Tedder?  What the actual f*ck?  Over John LEGEND?  No."
"And so now we reward one of those five mediocre tracks you heard earlier.  Drew's poor taste culminates into this."

"...and the winner is..."

"What is UP with this Ludovico guy?  Who even listens to instrumental music anymore?"
"Alright, so I told Drew I didn't care about his Top 12 because I wasn't on it, but he's forcing me to read these off, so his favorite 7 albums that didn't make Album of the Year are..."

"And now here are the nominees for best album that isn't mine."

"...and the winner is..."

"Miley Cyrus."
"Well, this has been fun.  I want to thank Drew for all the awards he doled out tonight and agreed to allow me to keep by allowing me to uninvite all of the nominees and winners.  Now go home."


  1. Drew, I love you, I'mma let you finish... but there is no universe in which Bangerz (which is a great album, don't get me wrong) is better than Heartthrob, which is front to back PERFECTION.

    And also, Applause is shit. Gypsy is the only track on the ridiculous Artpop that is worth saving.

    Also, St. Lucia's Elevate is the song of the year, barring Closer (Tegan and Sara), I Blame Myself (Sky Ferreira - Best Female Vocal Performance), The Wire (Haim - Best Chorus of the year), and Latch (Disclosure - Best Male Vocal Performance from Sam Smith).

    Also Best Country Song contenders (I don't really like/listen to much country) from the Nashville TV show: No One Will Ever Love You and If I Didn't Know Better.

    And I'm sure I'll think of more later when I plug into my iPod again LOL.

    1. LOL, I love that with these Music Awards there is so much more diversity within the comments because musical taste differs A LOT compared to film, for some reason.

      I love Heartthrob, but Bangerz is THE pop album of our times. Sorry. It's pitch perfect track for track and if I didn't have this rule about 'one track per album allowed per ballot' then Miley would have taken up EVERY slot on the Pop Song of the Year ballot.

      1) Wrecking Ball
      2) FU
      3) On My Own
      4) Drive
      5) #GETITRIGHT

      I really need to see Nashville.

    2. Nashville wormed its way into my soap-loving heart sometime in the middle of the second season. It's not a "good" show by any stretch of the imagination, but the music is great and Connie Britton(!) and Hayden Panettiere are fantastic.

      Now, on to more important matters.

      Bangerz is good. Great, even. But there's filler, and at least one outright dud (sorry, but Adore You is AWFUL). It's an album I love for its weirdness and boldness, especially coming from a former Disney child star, but it PALES in comparison to Heartthrob, which has not one skippable track and sounds utterly timeless. The lyrics, the production, the vocals are all perfect; there's not a single note out of place and there's absolutely no fat to be found. We're talking about levels of greatness here - the two albums are great in different ways, but overall (for me - and I'm with you in loving the diversity on the music posts! SO FUN!) Heartthrob is clearly the better album. :-P

    3. I won't argue you that Heartthrob is a great album, because it is...GREAT...but I have an issue with the album that I don't have with Bangerz...not a single track jumps out at me as OMG. The whole album is uniformly great, yes, but I never once was like, "HOLY HELLZ YES".

      Bangerz is on another level. My jaw hit floor for 90% of that album, and the diversity of her sound is just OMG. Adore You is brilliant, my friend...BRILLIANT! Like, the ONLY song on that album I don't like much is Do My Thang, which is just kind of cheap (but still a banger and a song I never skip). Seriously, SMS, My Darlin', Someone Else...just BOW!

      I just...I just can't with how perfect it is.

    4. AND NOW!!! More songs/albums you should seek out because they're awesome!!

      Chaz McKinney - Identity EP (especially Dream Of Me and Chorus (Between Us)
      Jessie Ware - Imagine It Was Us (I assume you count the Devotion album as 2012?)
      Mariah Carey - Almost Home (her best, most Mariah song in AGES)
      Daft Punk - Get Lucky (and the whole album, really)
      Diana Vickers - Music to Make Boys Cry album (especially Cinderella and the title track)
      Sara Bareilles - The Blessed Unrest album (especially 1000 Times)
      The Saturdays - Disco Love and Lease My Love
      Ben Montague - Liberty Road
      Hedley - Anything
      Frankmusik - Between album (especially Chasing Shadows, Map, and Hymn)
      Mutya Keisha Siobhan (MKS) - Flatline (possibly unreleased? Anyway it's a masterpiece)
      Avicii - Wake Me Up
      Nervo - Hold On
      Ola Svensson - Maybe
      Swedish House Mafia - Don't You Worry Child

      PLEASE listen! And let me know what you think! (I miss sharing music back and forth on Twitter!)

    5. GURL, shoot me an email!

      We can chat back and forth there anytime :-D

      UGH, I have so much to listen to now. I did listen to Daft Punk's album, and it was close to my ballot...and Sara Bareilles album is LOVE and was my #6 for Pop Album of the Year (she JUST missed). I had no idea Jessie Ware had an album between Devotion and Tough Love! WTF! I need that album in my life!!!

      Almost Home is great (you're talking to, like, one of the biggest Mariah Carey fans on the planet here) but it's a movie song (from that awful Oz movie) and so it is ineligible here since it would be eligible for the Fistis.

      The rest...I haven't heard :-O

    6. OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOH GURL. You got mail! ;-)

      You really don't count ANY movie songs for Fistis? Even when they're inexplicably the third end credits song? AND far and away the best thing about the movie?!? hehehehe (Oz wasn't a total farrago but like, the best thing about it after Mariah's song was the 3D LOL)

    7. LOL, movie songs ARE eligible for Fistis...because the Fistis are about the movies. Because I have an 'Original Song' category at the Fistis, though, I opted not to include them in the Mouthis.

    8. LOL Fistis, Mouthis.... WOW who knew multitasking at work would take such a toll? But the point is, when they're great, isn't not including them in the Mouthis just unfair? ;-)

    9. Probably, but this way I can spread the wealth.

      Gotta have some rules...I think.

      I think the main reason is that I'm one person and so if I have similar categories and what not for my awards then they can become repetitive.

      I WILL include covers used in a film or on television because I don't have a cover category at the Fistis, and when I eventually do the Television Awards (yup, those are in the works) I won't have a cover category there either.

  2. I don't listen to modern country. In fact, I think modern country is shit. My favorite albums of 2013 are My Bloody Valentine's MBV, Queens of the Stone Age Like Clockwork..., Sky Ferreira's Night Time, My Time, David Bowie's The Next Day, the Savages' debut album, NIN's Hesitation Marks, the Chvrches album, and the albums by Autechre and Boards of Canada. One Direction is rock? They're a pop band. There is nothing about them that is rock. Fall Out Boy, they're shit.

    1. Something tells me you've never listened to Isbell, Civil Wars, Amos Lee and the like. They aren't very 'modern country' sounding.

      And One Direction is not rock, you're right. They aren't nominated in the rock category...but in collaborative vocal, because more than one person is singing.


    2. I've heard Civil Wars.... some of the most boring and excruciating music I have ever heard in my life.

    3. Different strokes for different folks.

  3. LOL…AMAZING as always!!!

    Wins for TOP, Goulding, Blood Orange, Beyonce, Miley, Arctic Monkeys, VV Brown, Yeezy himself (or does "God" mean Rap God wins UC Song?)… SO good.

    I really wish I’d found room for Gin Wigmore and The Civil Wars. :(

    AAHHH, Heartthrob made the cut in Pop Album…and the top 10!!! (I’ve got it at #5.) Have you heard the bonus tracks from it? I stumbled across them recently, and they might even be better than some of the tracks on the standard edition. You can find them ("Guilty As Charged" and "I Run Empty") on Spotify if you want to check them out.

    Love that Janelle Monae, Kat Dahlia, Lorde, Jamie Cullum and Sky Ferreira landed noms. Didn’t expect the latter two to make it.

    Your Favorite Song lineup is aces. I actually forgot that “Experience” was from this year. :/

    Great job again, man. I can’t wait for 2012!!

    1. YAY!

      LOL, Kanye was referring to himself as God, so yes, Black Skinhead wins U/C Song, but I kind of love the confusion and almost want to give the win to Em because of that.

      Yes, you should have found room for Gin and Wars!

      Heartthrob is awesome! Love the hell out of that album, despite what Daniel may believe. I'll have to check out those tracks ASAP.

      And yes, Experience is THE song of this year for me.

  4. lmao all these Kanye gifs. The only song I really like out of all of these is My Songs Know What You Did in the Dark, otherwise I haven't listened to them or didn't care for them.

    *hangs head in shame*

    1. SMDH

      But I'm glad to see someone else in favor of the Fall Out Boy attention :-D

  5. Very "Kanye" effort by Kanye, lol. Love the win for Eminem in UC Song. At first, I was against his inclusion in Male Vocal, but what he did in Rap God was crazy, so I would've given him the win. And found anyone other than John Legend to nominate. Sorry, he bores me to death with his Hotel Lobby Soul. Every time I hear him I look around for a wine glass to drop a dollar in.

    Really like Beyonce's album...and J. Cole's..., but Because the Internet was my top #UC album.

    Finally, the lack of noms (only 2) and wins (0) for Lorde is alarming. Sorry, but I'm all in on Pure Heroine. The whole album is brilliant, far as I'm concerned. Just listened to it again, for like the thousandth time, a few days ago. So yeah, I would give her every award I could. Betcha didn't see that coming.

    1. What Em does, vocally, in Rap ridiculous. Just...WOW!

      Because the Internet is a GREAT album, so I'm in favor of you loving it, for sure. Childish Gambino should be a bigger force in the industry. He's remarkable.

      I really liked Pure Heroine, especially when I first heard it, but unlike you...time has only deadened it a bit for me. I still REALLY like it, but I don't adore it like I once did. That said, Glory and Gore is a brilliant track.

      I kind of love that you endorse it so much, though.