Thursday, April 10, 2014

Let's Review Something: The Counselor


I don’t know about you, but I really hate when a film I’m highly anticipating shows itself to be a huge waste of time.  When the year began (2013) there was one film that was at the VERY top of my most anticipated list; ‘The Counselor’.  This just had everything I wanted in a movie.  First, it had an original screenplay (the first) written by Cormac McCarthy, who writes such marvelously constructed books that served for some really great films in the aughts (namely ‘No Country for Old Men’ and ‘The Road’).  Next, it had a pretty stellar cast.  I mean, Fassbender is so hot right now (in more than one way) and the idea of Cruz, Bardem, Pitt, Perez and Ganz in the same film made me really excited.  Third, early word was that the script was crazy and that the plum role of the devilish Malkina was going to Cameron Diaz, an actress who is really underrated and deserved a break, critically.  But really, the sole reason I was rooting for this to work was that Ridley Scott is in dire need of a true comeback, and I was praying that this was going to finally be his Oscar ticket.

This was absolutely, undeniably, 100% abysmal.


"Let me tell you a story about the worst film of 2013!"
I don’t even know what to say about this.  Like, I’m at a complete and total loss for words, and that rarely happens.  I don’t even know how to go about reviewing this, because in my mind I didn’t really watch anything at all.  The film felt like one, long, boring conversation that made no sense whatsoever and failed to grab my interest one bit.  The character development was a joke, the performances were embarrassing and the plot was so thick with holes (or maybe they weren’t holes at all and we just weren’t really given a plot) that I found myself wishing I had decided to pass on this entirely.

And let’s talk about Cameron Diaz for a minute.  I was one of her chief champions prior to seeing this.  I declared her underrated and declared, in advance, that this was going to be the performance of the year!  I wanted this to be so wonderful for her, but this character is a joke.  What is so alarming about this is that it isn’t even all her performance (which is pretty bad, to be honest), but the character itself is just so uninteresting.  Yes, she likes cheetahs and there is that car scene, but that scene itself is so ridiculously shot that it feels like a parody of a much better executed sequence.  I think it was a true disservice to her performance to redub it without the accent (which remained in some scenes and thus made her performance uneven) because it took any soul the character had, any spice, and threw it out the window.

Like the rest of the film, Malkina was just bland.

"You mean...my movie sucked?"
Drugs, snuff films, murder, dangerous cats, fast cars, wet windshields and Penelope Cruz have never been so dull.  I can’t believe that the one film I anticipated most this year just turned out to be the worst film I saw in 2013.


Yes, I mean that.  This was worse than that dreadful ‘Walking with Dinosaurs’.  At least that movie had something going one (but seriously, that was just terrible).

F.  F, F, F, F, F, FUCKING F!  Like, I can't comprehend a movie this bad.  Thank the high heavens Oscar didn't bite for this nonsense.  Scott, get your shit together before I give up on you entirely.  I used to consider you one of the BEST directors working, period, but my lord your output over the past decade has been a disappointment.

10 comments:

  1. Yes to most of your points but I'd add Fassbender is really going downhill fast in my eyes. He was pretty bad here, plus he looked like dried shit. That opening scene was inexcusable. Least sexy scene I've seen in a while, it was like something out of freaking Girls.

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    1. I pretty much didn't mention Fassbender because he was so uninteresting I forgot he was in this.

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  2. I think Malkina had the potential to be a very interesting character, and Diaz completely dropped the ball. Seriously, the best part of this film was Bardem making the sucker fish comment about the car scene.

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    1. BAH, that car scene, had it been filmed and acted properly, could have been iconic for more than the sheer outlandishness of it all. In concept, it was kind of cool.

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  3. I think the only reason I want to see this is just to see how bad this is. I wanna know how much I can take the badness of it.

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    1. LOL, I can't wait to see how much of this badness you can take.

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  4. Haha, I figured you'd hate this. I know I probably should, but I actually liked some of it. That said, I'm not sure I'll ever watch it again.

    Your review reminded me of British critic Mark Kermode's rant about the monologues in the film. "What is the value of grief, when it is just 'ief' with a 'grr' at the beginning?" LOL.

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    1. I really think I'm going to start using that quote now. I'm in love with it!

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  5. I remember when it came out, I planned to see it in theaters, but I then decided to see Captain Phillips. But after watching this On Demand, I can say I am thrilled I chose to see Captain Phillips instead. Holy cow, was this movie atrocious. The story made no sense, the acting is wasted (Fassbender mailed in his performance, which I blame on the director) and it had the pacing of a tortoise race. What. A. Waste. Ridley Scott, get your shit together!

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    1. This was my most anticipated film of 2013. I was all about this being AMAZING. I can't explain how disappointed I was with this...like...so much!

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