Tuesday, February 25, 2014

Mt. Spankmore!


M. Brown, over at Two Dollar Cinema, is hosting his first blogathon.  I know, I know; I’ve already talked about this, but I’m actually posting my post now, so here it goes.

This was hard.

The rules were simple. 

“To participate, simply choose the top 4 of anything cinematic and explain why it should be carved into the side of a mountain forever.  Remember, these are real people carved into imaginary rock – so choose wisely!”

SUCH PRESSURE!!!

Favorite performances?  Favorite movies?  Favorite directors?  Favorite characters?  They all seem so easy and predictable and I honestly didn’t want to just do what everyone else was going to do (but honestly, I’d love for everyone else to do that since I love seeing what everyone considers the ‘best’).  LOL, honestly, this is like the age old ‘do you give someone a gift card as a gift’ conundrum.  Like, I want gift cards because your gifts suck, but I’d never give a gift card because it feels so impersonal and lazy.

Now that I’ve derailed this thread enough…

So, I had to think about this from all angles.  Remember the later part of that rule; you know, about these people being carved into mountains, and I had to think…who would I actually want to see carved into a mountain?

SO…I decided to dedicate this to the top four actors/actresses I have in my spank bank!  This is also in ode to m.brown’s recent review of Don Jon, which inspired me to think about all the times I’ve masturbated to sex scenes in movies or actors/actresses I secretly (and not so secretly) dream about fucking.  But, narrowing down that list was pretty hard too, so I decided to be more specific.  How about characters, performances, that gave me the most bang for my buck, so-to-speak?  Yeah, let’s go with that one.

So, here we go.  I mean, honestly, who wouldn’t want a mountain dedicated to the faces and, er, bodies that give you goose bumps?

Now, I also want to be an equal opportunity player here, so two guys and two girls, and I stuck with recent (like, in my lifetime) movies because while I do find some specific performances from yesteryear to be sexy in a very intriguing way (Ava Gardner in The Night of the Iguana or Elizabeth Taylor in Cat on a Hot Tin Roof come instantly to mind) I wanted to choose performances that I actually saw upon their release (or shortly after their DVD release).

I want to give a quick shout out to a certain actor/performance/character that did not make the list for two very different yet important reasons.  First, this character is not cinematic (it’s from television) and so I decided to play with the rules (since there was only one) and choose only cinematic characters.  Second, this person has died, and I don’t masturbate to the dead.  That’s just wrong on many different levels, but it doesn’t detract from the fact that at one point in time, this did happen.


You may ask why, but I don’t have to answer that because he didn’t make my top four and no explanations are required for also-rans…but since you are all quite curious I’m sure I’ll just say this; he had that sympathetic bad-boy image on lock and pretty much demanded my attention, and there is something incredibly sexy about someone who lives and breathes a deadly serious confidence and charm.  You just know that it’s well worth taking advantage of, or being taken advantage of.

Now, on with the list.

Oh, and I’m doing these chronologically.


My sexual awakening began when I saw Wild Things.  I was young, only thirteen, and while it wasn’t my first crush or anything (I had been salivating over Claire Danes for years by then) I have to admit that seeing Denise Richards shed her top and cover her breasts in champagne was one of those aha moments, one of those times when I actually dropped my jaw and hit rewind (yes, I saw this on a VHS tape) and pause and slow motion and rewind and pause and slow motion again…and again…and again.  In fact, I still revisit this film and this scene literally and figuratively and it will till this day be remembered as one of those benchmark moments in film for no matter how many films do this same scenario, this will always be the best.

Tasty Tidbit:  Upon the release of this film, I was actually crushing on Neve Campbell and was hugely disappointed that she did NOT take off her top in this famed scene.  I had no idea who the fuck Denise Richards was until this movie.  For about two years, she was all I could talk about.  As another fun fact; my wife and I actually modeled our wedding cake after the one she and Charlie Sheen had!


While my sexual awakening came the year before, with Wild Things, I have to admit that seeing The Talented Mr. Ripley confirmed something I had suspected about myself for quite some time…I could and would swing both ways.  Up until I saw Jude Law strut his stuff in Minghella’s masterpiece I shrugged off most of my secret feelings as a phase, but being completely seduced by Dickie Greenleaf proved that it wasn’t a phase and was actually a part of who I was.  Law drips sexual swagger all over the place in this film, to the point where it is no surprise that everyone around him accepts his self-centered abuse for the chance to be next to him.  He’s a fucking asshole, and yet his sexual charisma is undeniable.  I didn’t want to BE Dickie Greenleaf…I wanted to be fucking Marge Sherwood, on that boat, below the decks, with my pants around my ankles.

Tasty Tidbit:  Jude Law is not my type, like at all.  Even when it comes to men in general, I never look at the Jude Law type.  He’s too thin, too pretty.  That being said, he’s irresistible to me for some weird reason and become obsessed with him to the point where I even died my hair when I was recently married and styled it to look like Jude Law, you know, circa 2003 when we both had hair.  We are now both pretty much bald.  It’s a curse.


There has rarely been a presence in film as commanding as Russell Crowe.  He just demands, commands all of the attention when he is on screen.  As Maximus in Gladiator, he captured not only my attention but…well…let’s just say that I watched this movie almost every night when I was a teenager and it wasn’t because I loved it that much (I do love it, but really).  Savagery yet beautifully tapered with a heart of gold, and my FUCK that accent; Russell Crowe’s portrayal of Maximus is EVERYTHING! 

Tasty Tidbit:  While I am largely heterosexual and don’t exactly talk much about my bisexual traits with many people in my life, I have NEVER been shy about my feelings for Russell Crowe.  In fact, while dating my now wife I explained to her that I would leave her for him without hesitation.  She is still aware of this, it is a longrunning joke between us and friends, but I’m deadly serious.  Fat Crowe, skinny Crowe, young Crowe, old Crowe, drunk Crowe, slightly off-key Crowe…I’d fuck him any which way.


And we reach the pinnacle of spank bank awesomeness with the inevitable; Scarlett Johansson.  I know that this may seem pretty obvious and maybe even boring, but the truth cannot be skirted around; Scarlett Johansson is the epitome of SEX and because of that she will always be the hottest woman on the planet.  My sexual attraction to Scarlett Johansson happened long before she was a sexy siron on screen.  Back in 2003 she did Lost in Translation and The Girl with the Pearl Earring and while she was certainly beautiful in both films, she wasn’t pulling out the sex right yet.  Still, I was smitten.  But 2005’s Match Point changed EVERYTHING.  I still remember that moment when Rhys Meyers rips her shirt off while she’s spread across the bed and I just lost it…all of it. 


Why wouldn’t you cheat with that?

*no, I'm not advocating infidelity...it was just a sarcastic truth...


Tasty Tidbit:  When my wife and I were engaged, Lost in Translation was the big buzzed movie out and my mom comes up to me and says “don’t you think [insert wife’s name] looks like that Sophia Coppola girl?” and I looked at her with this odd look and she hands me the paper with this picture of Scarlett Johansson in a scene from Lost in Translation and says to me “isn’t this her?” and I smiled and said “yup, I’m marrying up!”  Of course, I corrected her later, but it made me chuckle.

So there you have it!  I hope that this was entertaining and exactly what you wanted buddy!  This was fun to put together and I feel like I took this far too seriously.  Hope it wasn't TMI, and then again, like I care.

26 comments:

  1. Wow... that is brave to admit that you've whacked off to some films. Yes, I admit to whacking off to Wild Things and anything Scarlett did that was sexy as I'm sure that when Under the Skin comes out. A lot of fapping will happen.

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    1. LOL, well...what teenager hasn't, right!

      My GOD Scarlett Johansson is just the hottest thing alive.

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  2. "which inspired me to think about all the times I’ve masturbated to sex scenes in movies or actors/actresses I secretly (and not so secretly) dream about fucking." I command you on your honesty, sir! :)

    I broke the only rule and made TV choices but if I were doing list like that....oh my. More than 4 for sure. Love that moment from Match Point, so hot.

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    1. Thank you :-D

      I was on the fence as to whether or not this was TMI, and then I said...who cares, this is too much fun!

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  3. I haven't even finished reading this yet...and I just want to say one thing:

    I feel like a pussy for not having the balls to write something like this. You sir, have almost killed me. Both literally and figuratively.

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  4. LMAO at this post! I think you win this blogathon.

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    1. Does this mean that my mountain will be made, because that would be awesome!

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  5. I have to admit when I saw the title, I thought I was getting "best spankings" or something like that. This was better, you have balls the size of church bells, my friend. lol

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    1. Great, now you have me trying to come up with four spanking scenes! Secretary! A Dangerous Method! Those are the first to come to mind.

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    2. Crap, now I'm trying to think of them too. Along Came Polly? When he spanks her then tells her that his hand just spasmed?

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  6. I had to say how much these cracked me up! So creative too. Cheers :)

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    1. Thanks for stopping by! Glad this made you laugh.

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  7. Haha, great idea! When I read that two men were on here, I thought it might be Crowe and Law. ;) Ah, Johansson - who isn't highly anticipating Under the Skin?! :)

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  8. WHAT! I thought I was having trouble figuring out my Mount Rushmore and then I see this!! Honestly.. anything with the Rock in it.

    My Mount Rushmore

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    1. I'll check yours out ASAP!

      LOL, this was especially fun to put together ;-)

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  9. Great post! So much fun. And yes, ScarJo!

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    1. LOL, thanks! I never thought that the best thing to happen to my blog would be a mountain shaped like a wet dream.

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  10. This list is hilarious. Scarlett Johanssen and Jonathan Rhys Meyers were super hot in 'Match Point.' Up until he kills her. For me that was a real downer and made that whole scene a little less hot. :)

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    1. Death us always a downer, for sure. I just choose to ignore that part of the story ;-)

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  11. Great list! Wild Things would definitely be in my list. I will forever associate Denise Richards with that film. On the top of my head, I'll add the two Posion Ivy films starring Alyssa Milano and Jaime Pressly to my list! Finishing things off would be one of my first celebrity crushes... Daryl Hannah in Splash!

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    1. Poison Ivy is a good one, even though I've only seen the Barrymore one... She was so hot in that.

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  12. "Jude Law is not my type, like at all."
    I'm reading words but I'm not understanding it. Sorry, my brain just can't compute this.

    I don't which blogger it was that said Jude Law in the bathtub as Dickie was the moment of their sexual awakening. When I remember who I'll let you know and you can compare notes.

    (I'm surprised your image for MATCHPOINT wasn't Scarlett and Jonathan in the rain. I'm still significantly annoyed that Rhys Myers seems to have squandered his talent. MATCHPOINT depends significantly on the fine work he and Scarlett do, even if she is best in show.)

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    1. How did I miss this comment?!?!?!

      LOL, Jude Law is like super hot, but I usually prefer the beefy, stocky guys when it comes to men. Law's type (skinny, tall, lanky) is not what I go for and yet, he has this chiseled manly quality to overrules my usual notions.

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