Monday, January 6, 2014

Introducing the worst film of 2013…


Honestly, I’m not sure how it could get any worse than this.

I was dragged to this film by my children who expressed no desire to see it until their friends invited them on a play date and I was then forced into chaperoning alongside a friend of mine who apparently got into this movie.  I don’t get it, and obviously everything has an audience, but this is one of those films that just don’t deserve one.  Pointless, unfunny, redundant, silly and boring; ‘Walking with Dinosaurs’ is easily the worst film I’ve seen all year, and it’ll take an absolute miracle of crap for something to dethrone it.

I said to my wife upon returning home that any film that opens with a rebel teenager opposed to fossil digging being talked to by a morphing bird and then taken on a journey in his mind to prehistoric times is just a complete a total joke.

Please get me out of this theater!
 
Worst onscreen pair of the year!
There are many problems with ‘Walking with Dinosaurs’, but that was a big one.  The film’s bookends are so obviously tacked on for some strange way of enticing a younger crowd.  Like making a straight up fictional documentary wouldn’t work.  Instead, we have some horrible acting and a ridiculous set up that leads to some dumb story about a runt who falls in love with a girl from a separate pack only to have his bullish brother take her out from under him and he has to come back and earn everyone’s respect because he’s obviously smarter than the rest of those dumb animals.  The entire movie being narrated by John Leguizamo trying his hand at a bizarre accent that resembles no notable ethnicity is bad enough, but the fact that these animals are all communicating telepathically (yes, their mouths never move) is a distraction and makes it pretty clear that this was originally intended to be a mere documentary with narration and was scrapped for this great idea (note the sarcasm).

'Walking with Dinosaurs' somewhat plays out like an extended episode of 'Dino Dan' (some horrible kids show I'm forced to stomach every once and a while) and has these pointless pauses in the story to explain what each dinosaur is, how to pronounce their names and what their names mean.  It takes you out of the story (what story?) and further confirms that this movie was really supposed to be something else altogether and got butchered in production hell.  

The graphics are decent, but nothing noteworthy, and as I mentioned, the story is just plain dumb.  Follow that up with some terribly redundant jokes and awful delivery (it was funny the first time Alex, the bird, stopped talking to eat a bug…but the next thirty times were just unnecessary) and you have a film that is an absolute chore to get through.

I give this an F, and I mean as in FUCK this movie, it's that bad.  I'm not even going to do an Oscar evaluation for this steaming pile of shit.

Oh, and PS...if you haven't read this already you NEED to read the review from Two Dollar Cinema.  I came close to peeing my pants.  Like my BFF (in my head, obviously) Karen always says:


10 comments:

  1. I thought an F was generous, till I saw what it stands for.

    Great review..I couldn't agree more with this entire post.

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    1. OMG! Your review is amazing. I actually amended my review to include a link to your review...and I added a paragraph I forgot to mention...

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  2. Oh my, this does sound horrendous!! Fortunately I never had any desire to see it. Ahah, it'll take a miracle of crap to dethrone it, well hopefully you won't have to endure that one again, Andrew!

    P.S. Five for the Fifth is up, I'd love it if you take part since it's the first of the year :D

    – ruth

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    1. I saw that and was totally going to but got sidetracked today. I'm thinking of posting it tomorrow.

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    2. Do send me the link whenever you get around to it Andrew :D

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  3. Man, I heard bad things about this film but... man... I bet it's just as bad as 2012's Oogieloves & the Big Balloon Adventure. Anyone remember that piece of shit? I feel sorry for you and your wife for having to put up w/ that crap. Kids deserve better than this shit.

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  4. Man, I hope I never have to sit through this.

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    1. I don't see any reason why you should, and you're the better man for it!

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